So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I am spending my child support on dildos
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Come share oat with me in your robe
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
