we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize