Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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