took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
