textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
