I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
