I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
