apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
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