I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
