did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize