you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
3 2 1 whiskey
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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