I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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