HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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