Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize