Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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