his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
