guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
