Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
