I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
