there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
either way he was missing a nipple.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
