so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
