he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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