wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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