according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
