So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
