Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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