My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize