Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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