When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
