cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
