my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
