It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
