just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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