rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize