no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
