I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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