the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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