i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
