my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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