Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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