And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
