So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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