remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
