Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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