I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize