I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
