the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
