Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
