everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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