Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My Sexting was not on an AP level
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
