You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
