That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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