Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
