i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
