i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
