Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize