they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
