I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
