i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize